I wish that I could say that they were happy tears
I wish I could tell you that I sobbed because I was grateful
But I found myself weeping because joy had shown up and I had no space left for it
I had filled every single crevice of me with grief
I had only today made space for new pain
For even when I finally developed a wary type of acceptance for depression and anxiety
I discovered withdrawal
Frantically feeding my brain like a feral beast
Causing me pain when it needs something
But unable to communicate what that something might be
I was so consumed
That a piece of the joy I had been praying for
Finally arrived but
It found me unprepared
I had nowhere to put it
I had no idea how to let it in
So I cried
I hope there is soon space for that joy where those tears occupied